O. M. G. I have waited so long for this….. Jessica Jones Season 2 is finally on Netflix!!! Okay, now that I have told someone… let’s move on….
Here is an honest yet sad look into the night I had last night. Yes, I know I have been answering pre-selected writing prompts this month and I promise I will get to catching up on those latest questions soon, but this is something I want to share.
I was sitting there on the edge on my bed, still wrapped in my towel after getting out of the shower. I was crying. Not the, “I can’t stop crying over something little because I am pregnant”, kind of crying, but the kind of crying that comes out of being absolutely disgusted and disappointed in oneself. Yea… that kind. I had over eaten… again. I felt awful about myself. Let me give you some back story though….
In the past, I have always been mindful of how I am eating. Something about hearing backwards comments about how I shouldn’t let myself go once I am married sat with me for a really long time, and honestly… they still do. You have to realize, I got married when I was 18. All I have to compare to, is the body I had before I even considered myself a woman. Raise your hand if your teenage body was naturally different from your woman body. Metabolisms change, eating habits change, and even mindsets change.
That’s the hardest for me to deal with. My mind. Some weeks I have completely convinced myself that I have done it, I have gained weight and am getting fat. And then I will randomly get on a scale and see that it hasn’t even changed from the time that I thought I was getting fit. Then, there are days where I am up on that body positivity cloud, thinking thoughts about how I am a mother, I am beautiful no matter how my body looks and I shouldn’t be left unhappy after looking at what food is in my kitchen, or missing all the things that aren’t. Some days… I think about how I am pushing my aching muscles to do these intense workout, but for what? So that I can look like that other women on Instagram? Which BTW…. is pretty much impossible unless you are conveniently the same height and build as someone else with the same genes that react the same exact way to diet and exercise….
And some days… I have nights like last night… where I realize I have stopped caring about what I am eating.. and how much I am eating. Yes, I am pregnant, so weight gain is to be expected and even encouraged… what’s not encouraging is the aches in my belly from being so bloated after each dinner I have had the past week because I over-ate… because when I was full and should have stopped eating… I didn’t. Days like this, I feel out of control.
I had started feeling bad about myself about a month ago, but I think it took me letting out some tears to encourage myself to take that first step forward. I struggle often in life, to find balance rather than lean on one extreme side of the spectrum or the other. I have learned a lot about myself and how I react when I try to set a lot of strict rules…. let’s just say it never last, or goes well. Sometimes, setting a strict line only makes things worse for me.
So this is what happened this morning…
I got up, made breakfast for me and my son and I took him with me to the gym. Luckily, the gym I go to has a kids section you can watch them while you workout, while keeping them safe from the equipment. And do you want to know what all I did? I walked on the elliptical. That’s it. Walked for 38 minutes alternating resistance every two minutes. Average heart rate… maybe 145. Honestly, had it not been cold and rainy I wouldn’t have even gone to the gym, rather just take my son on a stroll around the neighborhood.
The point is… I wanted to share this in case there is anyone reading this that can relate to the roller coaster feelings I have. I wanted to share this because I wanted you to know that even if you are at the point where you are crying at your bedside, there are small changes you can make that can help get you back to where you want to be. Listen to your body, and you can figure out what feels right to you. Maybe your that mom running three miles on the treadmill, and maybe your that mom following a quick yoga tutorial at home while your son is napping. Maybe… you are that person that just needs to relax on the couch and watch an episode of the most tacky TV show you can find. Trust me, I’ve been there.
As for questions 7 & 8:
- What had changed about you/ in your life recently?
Physically, I am with child lol. Emotionally, I am ready to start trying again.
- What is frustrating you right now?
The fact that it’s not 70 degrees outside right now and I have to admit the fact that I miss the humid heat I had in Charleston…